Scene #2961:

Owner	Pose
Rashmi Terios	<< TXT from RASHMI -- Hey Amy-chan! I've been checking up on people after the whole Bliss-chan thing, d'you want to go do something? Or I can bring takeout? Either way, let me know! Maybe talking about it'll help? >> At no point does Rashmi seem to assume Amy wouldn't want to get together in some manner. But then, there's several reasons why she wouldn't. Once the message is sent, she throws on a light jacket and gets her shoes on. Either way Amy goes, it's gonna be a bit of a walk.
Amy Faust	TXT from AMY: I don't really want to go out in the cold today. And if you want to talk about something, it might be hard to do at the same time as playing games or shopping or something. For future reference is shopping for clothes a thing you like doing? Or playing games? What do you actually do for fun? I know you study and work on your device... Are you in debate club in real life as well? I'm a terrible friend sorry. Whatever you want to do is fine. If you just wanted to talk I'm in my dorm room. Sorry.
Rashmi Terios	What's most impressive, is that Amy is exactly as much of a stream-of-consciousness texter as Rashmi, only Amy doesn't have the crutch of 'actually has thought-to-text capability' that Nicomachea usually gives Rashmi. << TXT to AMY -- How about I go grab us some cheeseburgers and come to your dorm? There's a place nearby that does them 'American style' but it just looks to me like twice as much burger. Also you're not at all a bad friend, and when that little voice in the back of your brain starts telling you that, tell it 'Rashmi says shut up right now.' I'll be right there! >> And indeed, it's only perhaps twenty minutes between the text and when Amy's door receives a quick knock. Upon opening, it reveals a brightly-smiling Rashmi, holding a large, brown paper bag that has a grease stain printed on it apparently as a commitment to the American-style bit, and a couple soda bottles in her other hand. "Hiiiii Amy-chan," she says. "I figured considering the conversation, comfort food might help."
Amy Faust	TXT to RASHMI: I mean I guess "american style" is bigger portion sizes, especially with meat. Haha, I'll remember that! Thank you. OK see you soon! -- At the knock, Amy says, "You can come in!" cheerfully. She's sitting in her office chair in front of the computer, as usual. There are two flatscreen monitors, a keyboard with RGB backlighting, and surround speakers set up, with a full-size PC tower on her desk. Unusually, she also has a mini-fridge, for sodas and cold water and the occasional instant dinner that can be heated up in the common area's microwave. Her bookshelf has this year's textbooks, as well as D&D 5E and Savage RIFTS books, and two gunplas, a RPT-007 Gespenst MkII mass-production type and a MSA-003 Nemo in AEUG colors. The bottom bunk -- Amy's -- has red sheets/pillowcases, and four stuffies as people call them these days, a white bear of course fabric, a small brown cougar, the plushie Tragar-chan that Setsuna made, and another feline. Amy's relaxing in her oversized Aperture Laboratories T-shirt and a dark blue pair of sweatpants, and moccasins. She turns in the chair from her computer to smile at Rashmi, holding out her arms. "Heeeey! Good to see you!" She stands up, "Seems like we haven't gotten together just to talk or hang out in awhile... Well, aside from after monster fights." "Comfort food is good, yeah..." she continues smiling. Genuinely, not the forced rictus from the nightmare.
Rashmi Terios	"You're not wrong," Rashmi says as she enters the room, easing the door shut behind her with a foot. "But that's as much my fault, really... If not school, then fighting. If not fighting, then projects. If not projects, then Chrono, if not Chrono, then life, if not life, then books. That's most of my days, really..." Approaching the computer desk, she sets down the bottles, then the bag, and rummages about for a moment before producing a burger-box alittle more than half the length and width of a textbook, offering it over. "I... don't actually know what you like on your burgers, so I had them put all the sauces and stuff on the side just in case." With that, she digs out her own food, and glances about for a place to sit. "It okay if I take the bed? Also your stuff is neat!"
Amy Faust	Amy listens, and starts nodding at 'then Chrono.' When she finishes describing her days, Amy shrugs, "Yeah... it's easy to kind of... get into a comfortable rut. School, fighting... weekly RPG session... guess I'll be trying to do chorale again this year. And then there's manga and sometimes games... it's easy to... not get around to stuff." How does she like her burgers? "I mean, ''really'' good is with mushrooms and a brioche bun, but they're gonna overcharge for all that... better to cook the patty and mushrooms at home. I like the way the restauraunts do onions, and they make mayo-based sauces alright, but I'm good with ketchup and relish, or barbequeue sauce... oh, and cheese of course! Lettuce is fine too." Burger in hand, she can't help taking a bite, but... okay, yeah, it'll be better with sauces and stuff added, so she sets it out on its wrap on her desk and starts assembling it. "Yeah, you can sit on the bed. Or use Mio's chair... well, I guess not really Mio's. Just the other chair that's in the room, I've been alone the past year and probably this one too unless someone transfers in." "So," she wonders, "was the debate club an invention of the dream?" Amy blinks. "Wait, my stuff is neat? What stuff?" She looks around, not sure what anyone else would consider neat.
Rashmi Terios	"The stuffies, the gunpla, the computer? The RPG books?" Rashmi says slowly, almost as though she's being tested. But she pulls the noted chair to Amy's desk, and starts assembling her own burger, nodding her understanding. "Restaurants do great onions, cos they have two secrets; too much butter and too much salt. Like I'm serious, they use almost twice as much of each as you see in recipes. Even Papi does." Before she takes a bite, she pauses, chuckling. "Actually yeah the debate club was real, and thinking on it? The suggestion stands. I got into it because I was lonely and didn't know how to talk to people, which... was kind of the wrong reason to join to be honest, since it's not about talking to people so much as talking about stuff. But it did help me learn how to model thinking that wouldn't come naturally to me, so it worked out in the end!" At that point does she take her own bite, and let Amy pick up the thread while she chews.
Amy Faust	Amy nods. "I knew about the butter thing." The suggestion... "What suggestion? To join debate club? Eh, I guess I could. If it's not uh... if it's something they don't mind only showing up sometimes for. If they're discussing lotus eater machines the first time I walk in though, I'm checking if I'm still asleep." She smiles. Then she looks down at the floor. "...I'm not qctually good at debating. Logic isn't how people decide stuff or are swayed." Amy lifts her head and looks at Rashmi. "It's really all neat?" She smiles. "I guess, right... geeks aren't really uncool, anymore. Or ''that'' weird. I'm still amazed that..." She looks at the computer. She turns and looks at the empty desk on the other side of the room. "It's ''the future''. It wasn't a normal thing to have a desktop computer in the 90's, but by the mid-2000s they were getting pretty ubiquitous, although a lot of people just had a laptop... But I'd have thought as they became easier to get and more common, ''everyone'' would want a computer." She turns back to Rashmi and shrugs. "But... that's not how it worked out. I guess because everything most people want to do is on their phone, and you can type reports on even the cheapest chromebook." She takes a bite of her burger. "Mmmmh. Ahmm ramblimh, shorrih." (I'm rambling, sorry.)
Rashmi Terios	"Okay first off that isn't the normal club debate, that I guess was my brain trying to tell me Nicomachea was trying to tell me stuff," Rashmi says around a dry chuckle. "Lotus-eater machines are... kinda out there from a debate topic. No usually what we do is, get a topic and a side assigned, and split up into pairs to make our arguments. It takes practice to think on your feet, but... The hardest thing to remember is you don't have to believe what you're arguing, you just have to be persuasive about it. Logic only goes so far with that, which is why I think it might be good practice. And trust me... learning how to argue for something you don't believe is hard." Absently, she opens her burger to insert a couple slices of pickle. "Back at my old school I almost threw a chair as this kid because he was kind of a chaos goblin, and had me arguing for an armed society. I didn't, but... that was only because Reiko-san sat in it before I could lift it up. That was a rough day," she says with the kind of fond wistfulness that only Very Much Worse Days can bring. "You're not wrong though," she points out. "Everyone did want a computer. It just turned out that a computer you could take everywhere was what they wanted most, y'know?" Glancing back at the gunpla, the Devicer raises an eyebrow. "Um... Amy-chan,"she says gently, "I don't know how to tell you this, but like... This isn't what a geek is. This is where Gunpla and Sanrio were born; to the serious otaku you'd practically be a lightweight, and just by being a magical girl you get out of the house ten times more than any hikkikomori. I mean even I have more stuffies at home." Shaking her head, she draws in a deep breath. "But all of that's kind of dancing around; how are you doing? Because I know I got shaken up pretty bad by Bliss-chan, and most the others I talked to aren't doing better."
Amy Faust	Amy chews and swallows while Rashmi starts talking. > Lotus eater machines are kinda out there from a debate topic. "''Are'' they? It seems like a good debate topic to ''me.''" Amy points out. Beat. "...Okay, no, I guess it's more of a philosophy class discussion topic than a debate topic." > Learning how to argue for something you don't believe in is weird. Amy shrugs. "It's the persuasive part that's the trouble, I'm no good at that. I can steelman an argument for anything..." > ...An armed society. Amy quirks an eyebrow. She's American, so that sounds more normal to her than it might, even if people don't ''act'' like the real reason is in case the government turns bad, she's been propagandized to think it makes sense in theory. > A computer you can take everywhere is what people wanted ''most''. Amy turns and gestures at the battlestation in front of her. "This can play games and hold more TV, manga, books, RPG rulesets, and every videogame from before the mid-90s, to say nothing of more computer games than I could ever play. Games a phone just ''can't'', and it doesn't have a big screen for watching -- or ''two'' screens so you can watch Usagi stream while doing something else, or watch a tutorial and code a the same time, or stuff like that. Or a fullsize keyboard so you don't have to squeeze your thoughts through a straw." She shakes her head. "Communication and being able to instantly look something up -- before the answers got tainted with AI slop -- ''is'' amazing, but it's not the full package, ya know? You can have both things." > Not a ''serious'' otaku... so, about Bliss-chan, Amy looks up at the gunpla, and briefly puts her hands on her hips. "'I was really impressed to hear a foreigner talking about the Gespenst'", someone once chirped back at me." She relaxes. "But, I never did see the appeal of models and figurines, honestly. This much was more of a... 'I live in Japan now, I should at least get ''some''.' thing." Amy shrugs. "And honestly the figurines some people collect... uh... I didn't wanna be one of ''those guys'', you know?" She stands up from her chair. "But I have nerd cred! Yeah, I have a sparse collection of ''physical'' RPG books, although I'll note that's every Savage RIFTS book they've made since the new edition!" She pats the computer tower. "I've got every D&D 3.X and PF1E book on here, and I ''used'' to remember enough that I could tell you how to build ''anything.'' Every RIFTS book too, or almost every, although building anything in ''that'' is something I wouldn't wanna attempt." She throws her arms up in the air. "I actually ''watched'' Endless 8. I, I have so many sci-fi books at home! I've seen ''every'' Stargate episode! Atlantis and Universe too! And all of the original Star Trek! I've read Asimov, and Banks, and the Dragonlance trilogy, and, and, I've played Megaman 1-7 and the 8- and 16-bit Sonic and Marios all the way through, even all the secret exits and special stages!" She holds a hand to her chest, "I'm as serious as any otaku!" And then she holds one hand to her face. "Good grief, I actually sang the opening to Genshiken to a youma once." She sighs, and slumps back in her chair. "Good god... I have ''started to get a life'' though, I guess. And I'm glad for it. I like it. I like talking to people and hanging out more than any internet argument. Maybe I am turning into... well, not a ''normie'', but perhaps I'm no hardcore otaku. I don't know how to feel about that." She turns her chair away, facing the window. "...It sucked. Bliss-chan... where do I even start? And... and you ''heard'' RateMyHenshin... even if I'm not a geek anymore... I sure don't know how to live this life ''normally''. I'm caught in-between, with no way to be either and... and no idea how to fit into the world once school's over."
Rashmi Terios	Rashmi can't help it; at Amy's establishing her otaku cred, she can't help but chuckle, amused by the ambitious earnestness of it all, as if otakudom were an office to aspire to. But it's pretty clearly not laughing at Amy, just amusement at the antics. "Yeah uh... Molly-chan and Setsuchan just showed me the first three Star Wars movies a little while back, so... I can understand being fans, but I was always really into fantasy. Which... really makes it funny, that it's Nicomachea that fell into my life, and now a third of my week is spent buried up to my ears in design and assembly of Sufficiently Advanced Magic. But like..." She tilts her head to one side. "...You talk about RateMyHenshin like... he was telling you the truth. He wasn't, you know? He was just trying to hit weak spots. And uh... Amy-chan, Iunno how to tell you this, but you have a pretty, pretty big weak spot." Her voice is gentle, and the sincerity makes it plain -- as it nearly always does -- that she doesn't think less of the Puella for having such a huge exposed nerve for stomping on. "You keep forgetting that one of the benefits to getting a new chance at life is you can learn this stuff, when you're supposed to have."
Amy Faust	Amy spins the chair back to face Rashmi. "You hadn't seen ''Star Wars?!''" Amy is ''shocked'', although she barely raises her voice, certainly not offended or anything. (At the mention of 'first three', she mutters, 'did they mean 4, 5, and 6?') > I was really into fantasy, and it's funny... "I preferred fantasy to my old life. So of course I'm glad life is magic now." > You talk like RMH was telling you the ''truth.'' Amy ''winces'' and turns away in the chair again. "It was mean about it. But if there wasn't some truth there, it wouldn't've..." She trails off. But there has been progress. She knows Rashmi isn't saying she's a failure for having this weak spot, and it doesn't put her on edge nearly as much as it once might have. > You can ''learn'' this stuff... Amy looks down at the base of the wall, under the windows. "''How?'' There wasn't a class in how to be normal the ''first'' time, either. And... And I don't ''really'' wanna ''be'' like everyone else, either. I... I want to be ''me'', but for the world to be ''okay'' with that."
Rashmi Terios	"Yeah the ones with Ben-sensei and Vader-dono," Rashmi says, shortstopping any potential fandom horror right in its tracks. "And I mean... I understand that too. I still love my fantasy books, but I don't get to sit with them as much as I'd like. Which is kinda sad, but... They'll always be there when I can, and my world's a lot bigger than it used to be." When Amy turns away in the chair, Rashmi has the sad smile of someone who understands; both the accuracy of the analysis, and the urge to face away. "No," she says, with quiet emphasis. "If you didn't think there was truth, it wouldn't've hurt. And that's a really, really, really big difference. Because that's all he can do; take what your worst fears whisper, and shout them from a concert stage. Bliss-chan was worse to me, honestly. The other guy came at us in the real world, and it was so easy to know something was wrong and get mad enough to drown out the doubt. But that..." Rashmi closes her eyes, and shivers briefly. "I'm scared to sleep now, Amy-chan. I still do, but it takes a lot of hard work and it's not as good as it used to be. She got us where we're supposed to be safe." When Amy starts talking about 'classes in how to be normal," the Devicer closes her eyes for a moment, searching for the right words. It takes a while, because she's very aware that their respective starting points are, in some ways, startlingly far apart. "So... First please tell me where I said 'you can be you, if you learned how to not be you' because I know you know I wouldn't, won't say that, Amy-chan. I'm not gonna be mean and impossible to a friend like that. It's more like... if you want the world to notice you, value you, you kinda... have to meet it halfway, y'know? 'We live in a society' is a dumb meme now, but like... It's also kinda the truth. Societies are made of people, and people just... Even if everyone agrees there's something that's wrong, y'know who fights the hardest to stop that? People who know someone suffering for it, Amy-chan. People who see the pain and decide 'no more.' Or people who live it and can scrape up the energy to do something about it. But it all starts with visibility, and you can be you here in your room... but who's gonna see it, y'know?" Raking a hand back through her hair, Rashmi sighs. "I can't tell you what to do. Because what I think will work for you isn't what will work for you. But I can tell you that you are literally special in a way that only--" she counts on her fingers for a moment, then visibly gives up. "--sixty people in the world can match. And you spend half your nights literally burning darkness out of the world to let hope in. I mean... I know you're not immune to metaphor."
Amy Faust	Amy's not sure how to respond to that at first. > I'm scared to sleep now. "...I hadn't thought of that. She's the... she's the only one that's ''gotten'' us like that..." She sighs. "I'm too ''tired'' to be scared when I'm sleepy..." > Tell me where I said... Amy winces. "That's not what you ''said''. But I don't understand how it works." Meet them halfway, Rashmi says. You can't be visible here. Amy holds a hand to her chest and winces, still facing away. "I don't ''want'' to be pitiful..." She sighs and hangs her head. "...But I guess it's better than being weird and hated." She takes a calming breath, lets it out, and turns around. "So what do I tell people? Because of the veil, I can't ''really'' be honest with ''anyone'', about a huge part of my life." She shakes her head. "I don't even mean the past life thing, I mean... as you said, I spend half my nights out there burning darkness out of the world." She taps her cheek and cocks her head to one side. "...I guess I ''could'' just tell them and be seen as chuuni. Sooner or later that'll be a problem when I'm taking something seriously that I really ''shouldn't'' be if it's made up, though." She straightens up in her seat. "I thought about doing that as a streamer. Have my... my ''persona'' be this magical girl and pretend like I'm doing a bit, but it's true."
Rashmi Terios	"Nobody shows everyone their entire being, Amy-chan," Rashmi says, voice soft. "You don't have to be pitiful, you just have to... regulate. If you're at club, club stuff is what you focus on. If you're at work, work stuff is what you focus on. That's not hiding, it's prioritizing, and it's the everything around that that people get to know, in those settings. If you click with someone, then you meet in other settings, and they see other facets. Everything at once, it's... it's tiring to be, and too much to take in all at once." "And that's how you deal with other people; you engage with them on common ground first, and let other stuff leak around the edges. Some people you'll get close to, some you won't. If they're not magic, then you don't put that on them, because they're not gonna get it anyway. If they are, well... that you've learned how to engage with, because that's where you've invested your life, right?"
Amy Faust	Amy listens, and nods, although there's a bit of grumpy concern on her face. "That's just it, it leaks around the edges. I don't pick up on rules others intuit. I misjudge time and am late to things. And of course I've worked on this stuff, but I suspect if I wait 'till I'm ''perfect'' at it I'll be an old lady or dead. She looks at Rashmi. "I overexplain because if I leave a detail out, it'll be misunderstoof. It's a, a double bind where both options are wrong. I, I focus on the wrong things--" Amy shakes her head. "Not the ''wrong'' things, but what people ''think'' are wrong. I usedta always try to solve problems when people just wanted to vent, and..." She looks away. "I ''kinda understand'', that one, now that I'm in tune with my emotions, or however I should describe it, but I don't know what to do ''instead''. An' there's a hundred other little problems like this. Getting fascinated by details that are ''really important'' but don't seem so to everyone else. And so on..."
Rashmi Terios	"Well I mean," Rashmi points out, "it's like... triage. You took first aid classes, I know you know what triage is all about. That's what I mean; you're in Debate Club? What's more important; thinking up an argument to why birds should be outlawed, or seeing if anyone saw Nonomoke-hime? ...Trick question, it's birds. And to be honest, a lot of that learning is trial and error. Especially error. Papi always said 'Good judgment comes from experience, but experience comes from bad judgment.' So... fail. In public. Be okay with the fact that you're gonna, because nobody gets everything perfect. It's why I don't do karaoke much without warning people I'm awful at it, because I have fun being awful at karaoke. Or you should have seen Molly-chan teach me how to play a racing game! I looked like an idiot, but half of the fun was me looking so silly I made myself laugh." Leaning over, she touches Amy's shoulder. "Cleaning my room used to be awful. I'd never know where to start, and I'd just let it get bad enough that Mami'd find me just sitting on the floor, crying. And she'd tell me 'Sunshine, it doesn't matter where you begin. Pick one thing, do that, then move to the next. Soon you will be finished.' And she was right."
Amy Faust	Amy looks away, pained, at the discussion of learning and trial and error. At talk of failing in public she ''cringes'', fingers clutching the armrests tightly. "...I can't. I... I can't throw this chance away and be seen as a freak again!" She turns the chair around again. "Radiant Heart Academy may be nice, but the world outside..." she shakes her head. "And after we graduate? It's so much harder to make or keep friends." She shakes her head again. "That's what I'm afraid of, don't you get it?! People like you, or Usagi, or Molly, or our other friends... yeah, they react that way, and you can laugh at yourself, and I can laugh at myself..." She looks down at the base of the wall again. "But outside, weakness is ''pounced'' on. Your Mami never saw my old room." "...I had to hope that I was smart enough to make up for it. That being able to do computer stuff and knowing science and math would be enough to make up for it. But it never was." She shakes her head. "And I'm ''less'' smart now. ''That'' was never enough and I'm-- I mean, not because I'm a girl, that's stupid, but I stayed less on top of my grades ''because'' it didn't work anyway and I can't put my heart in it when I know... when I know the promise it'll make my life better is a lie. Plus all the time spent burning darkness out of the world so others can have a little more brightness..." She hugs herself, leaning over a bit, tears in her eyes. "Why can't that be enough? I'm fine sacrificing myself if, if it were recognized in the meantime..." Amy shakes her head. "But even if there were no veil. They'd begrudge putting up with me, that they ''have to'' just because I do something important. Or they'd take for granted that I'll keep fighting for them even if they ''don't'' put up with me." "...And they're right. I would. Because somewhere out there is someone else weird, or nice, who doesn't deserve to have their life ruined by getting drained at the wrong time, or their loved ones killed by a Witch, or whatever."
Rashmi Terios	"Amy-chan," Rashmi says, "Because that's a different world. Sure you know how to engage with it, the terms are simpler, but because of the Veil that fight isn't this one. It's not enough because it's not the same, same as streaming isn't a substitute for being out in the world. You've had an awful, awful time and I understand that. I had a bad time too, but it seems like where you grew up just beat the heck out of you." The last of her burger is glanced down at, then stuffed into her mouth. Good burger is good burger, and little problems need to be solved before tackling bigger ones. "But so much is different now. Everything you're telling me, comes from what you learned in another country, another time. Everything you've developed to cope with that... It's outdated. It's time to let go of what helped you survive, and pick up things to help you thrive. Because every time you talk about the world... I really, honestly worry that you'd Witch if someone said just the wrong thing when you're that far buried in your trauma." "And my friend deserves better than to live soaked in that much fear."
Amy Faust	> From what you learned in another country... "Ah yes, Japan is ''famous'' for how generally accepting towards foreigners and anyone different it is. ''Especially'' towards anyone who thinks politeness and social rules are dumb and you should just ''tell'' people the damn ''truth'' up front!" She takes a breath, tensely gripping her chair. "...If you an' Usagi are right... then I'll find out, won't I? I'll go out into the world after we graduate and... ''not'' have that happen, and then it won't be a problem." "An' even if I'm right... I have you all. We'll kick this Fade thing in the teeth and, and we'll have eachother, and, you can help." "When there's something I struggle with... There'll be a friend that can handle it better." She takes a breath and tries to blink tears out of her eyes. "I'll have a place. You guys aren't gonna throw me out on the street if I can't figure out how to be good at making money. I'll do odd jobs or write or something and I'll meet people, here or online, who ''are'' nice, like you guys." "I just..." She takes a slower breath and tries to relax. "...I'm trying to get over what can't be, and figure out what my ''dream'' is. I don't know how to picture it." "...You said you're scared to sleep. Would having someone else sleep with you help? I mean not in a weird way, just..." She vaguely gestures, still not turning around. "Iunno. Less lonely."